Heart Cracking Medicine

After many external prompts from life, 

yesterday I finally cracked my heart open. 

It was a crack that had been waiting many moons…

A crack that certainly took me by surprise, because it had been waiting for a certain stillness, an availability, and an open awareness to discover and traverse the subterranean realms within my inner world.

I went to places and spaces that I’ve been hiding from for a long time. 

For how I have ignored my heart, to protect my ignorant mind.

For hours I howled, cried, sobbed and journaled my stream of internal dialogue.

It was truly cathartic.

Expelling the parts of me that don’t want to feel, don’t want to accept, don’t want to let go, don’t want to decide, don’t want to be vulnerable, don’t want to take accountability, don’t want to surrender.

The times where I could have done better, shown up more, been more attuned, been more in my heart and whole lot less proud. The times where I let my conditioning and wounding compromise what I truly felt. The times where I acted from those subconsciously destructive places, and where I hurt those that I loved as a result.

And today, reflecting upon this whole process, I’m simultaneously recognising the points where I’m still dissonant.

The common age old tale of “the mind says one thing, but the heart says another”. 

What follows is a deep and sheepish acknowledgment of the inner tension and turmoil that’s caused where my heart and mind do not meet — the places and spaces that I’m still split in my energy, where I’m undeniably polarised.

And furthermore the recognition of the knock on effect, and it’s destructive capacity of this polarisation within my Lifestream.

To harmoniously conjoin these two integral aspects — the heart and the mind — will be the medicine that is required to move forward, to feel freedom, to rest in truth, to honestly inhabit my heart and the entirety of my being.

What a journey of internal reconciliation — a journey of finding the reflection that of which I seek, a greater journey of finding me.

The eternal journey.

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